In A Different Life

Sometimes there aren’t word for how I feel. There are colors, but not enough words for the colors either. I always imagine that in a little while I will be alright, that I will learn to look out to the sea and wonder what comes next rather than turn over the stones of what I left. I imagine in a little bit I’ll be someone else.

I have a memory of sitting on the kitchen floor and telling you there is something wrong with me. Maybe my insides knew it then in a way I am starting to know now, trace minerals of copper building up against my better nature. Turning me against myself, against you, against everything I thought to be true.

In a different life, I live on an island and I am less worried about everything, and I string sea shells on fishing line and hang them around the edge of my home. I eat greens from the garden with table salt and only cry when I cut myself. In a different life, I didn’t leave you.

I buy hydrangeas and put them in the north-facing window to window bring in new ideas. I put the dream catcher in the west-facing windows to stop the things that scare me. And in I sleep in the east corner of the house. And in the mornings, I pray south. Because this isn’t a different life.


 

4 Replies to “In A Different Life”

  1. i hurt for you. to see you living your life while dreaming of another. life is too fleeting for this or that—we are dealt our cards and given the opportunity to choose how to play. i hurt to see a lovely soul – poker faced – through life. may you grasp what’s in front of you and let go of what’s behind. life has a funny way of showing you what to love. and that’s right in front of you – the present now. i hope you can let go and allow yourself to live life to the fullest. because torturing yourself with what happened in the past or what could have been is no way to live. don’t waste this life you’ve been given.

  2. There are so many ways in which we can unravel, and come back together. What do we do with all the stories that don’t fit anymore into where we step forward? I love your thoughts on the paths not taken.

    1. thank you. I am always wondering at that as well, where do they go and is there use for them in the new space? I find myself always trying to mitigate between recognizing those paths and being present in what I now have. always learning.

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