I think I have grown tired and restless in being worried about the things I am saying. And I have grown tired of saying them to myself when the world is an oyster and the world is an audience. I think you understand what I’m saying.
I try to refrain from blaming anyone besides myself for the way my life has unraveled in the past few months. I am piles of string and incandescent. I feel obliged to everyone else, I feel worn thin and reworked in ways I didn’t know I needed to be reworked.
I can see it veiled in the months before the months. A statement hanging to the end of an idea- feeling like a butterfly beneath pressed glass, claiming I have root rot, acknowledging without saying it, the silence that was our November. We often only know how to take care of things once they have passed through and out of our hands.
Plans change by the day and I am being taught how not to claw at things when they leave, how not to refuse them when they come. Every day there is a lesson bound up in something I don’t want to look at. There is always something to be put away. And I am only getting better.
June is surprising in the way that she always is. But, this to my relief is sweet and slow and feels like sleeping in. I find myself in places both familiar in their tree line and new in their company. I am split with senseless joy and a steady sadness in equal measures, like the two seas that meet and never mix.
If I could be of want for anything in my life, it is to be taken apart as I have been and shown the parts that fallen out of order, to be brave enough to look at one’s life and discover the tools and tinker with what needs to be tinkered.
I am not going to the east or the south, and I am not going to the north.
Perhaps the only space left to go in the coming weeks is farther west. And I can see it when I say that. The sound of her in the kitchen making tea and working at the table outside, the space that weeks ago seemed like such a dream it split open my glittering insides. Now and then one needs only to swim in the ocean and stay up late and see an old friend.