A diagnosis.

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We will most often hurt the ones we love. It is our closeness to them that makes throwing words and glances and making spaces, that makes it so much more severe. If you were not one with me, why would it hurt so much in making two. We twine ourselves around each other and the only way to get lose is to cut them.

It is strange when we get far from a situation it becomes at once very clear and at twice very far, the nearsightedness of space makes everything shimmer and glow. I listen to a podcast and she tells me, it is the distance and the imagination we are able to keep in terms of our lovers that keep us in love. It is the ability to continually see them anew, and on their own all at once.

Our familiarity to one another is the very thing that faults us. We too soon forget who they are, and then forget who we are. Until we are just strangers in the same boat. To be forever intrigued by the mystery lying next to you, is one of the greatest things we can do for ourselves.

I do not know how to do this. This is just a diagnosis.

For the first time all month there is a lot of sun and it is quickly melting all of the snow from yesterday. In what felt like the early morning, but really was not, I was fooled by the quiet that only falling snow can bring. And I went on a walk up the hill and toward the school nearby. The doctor says I shouldn’t walk in the cold with how bad my lungs are right now, says I should stay inside.

He doesn’t know what it’s like. This is just a diagnosis.

I tell everyone I love right now, that I don’t trust myself. That I cannot hear clearly and that there is too much noise and it’s also too quiet here. Everyone, thinks I am losing my mind because of the river and the cold and the dark. But, not everyone knows what it’s like. I am not so new to all of this, that I do not also recognize that everything will work out, in none of the ways I expect, and sometime far from now we will be sitting and having a drink and it will be warm and wet from sea air in a place I have never been– and we will laugh, maybe not about this, but we will be laughing.

This I know for certain. This is just a diagnosis.

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