For the longest time, for what has seemed like forever, for everything I am now- I could not understand why you left me. It hung around my person like a heritage, it seeped and sucked at everything I tried to make new. My lack of understanding drained me, made me half, made me cold.
I have said before- you will always be on one end of the lesson. We are either teaching or getting taught- you can’t keep people. It’s simple and it’s true and we have to learn it again and again. We pass through one another on our way. I was trying to keep everyone.
He says there is no life in having a life half hearted, and I agree. So, how could I have anything with only half of a heart, with it split in two. I had to take it all back, mend it stitch and needle, get it back in working order once again. We forget how to make our own bed so often. We think other people are the answer to the questions we ask ourselves in the dark.
I might never be the woman he saw me as. I might always wonder about this. I might. I might. I might. We never know for certain.
I could sleep standing up I’ve made myself so sick and so tired in these choices. I will tell you later- Vermont is an island where it is always Tuesday and always October. And the sentiment will make sense to me for the rest of my life. I don’t think I will ever untangle these weeks and what has happened to me here.
Someone said, you have to be brave enough to break your own heart. I wonder if that will help me get up in the mornings. It is a time, this is certain, but a time I have led myself into. It is a time that is certain.
But, what I do have is an understanding for the one thing I could not make sense of all these years. That love is not enough, that it takes a lot of work, and it takes two people choosing to do that work. And sometimes, you just don’t have it in you. And that is okay too. The choice is always there.