A certain happiness

I have been having a hard time recently believing that I deserve to be happy. I mean I am a hard working, intelligent, fairly honest person. And yet recently I am terrified by new found happiness as if it were not my own. I have spent the good part of this year climbing hand over fist out of the emotional wasteland that was the last two years of my life. I am taking a breath. I have a view. I don’t know what to do. I find myself now looking over my shoulder for that tidal wave to come and sweep me off kicking and screaming to my own private well furnished hell. Batten down the hatches. I had a conversation today with an old lover of mine who spent a good part of those two years with me in those trenches. More of a comrade than anything else I suppose. So I suppose this is why I truly trust him more than anyone when he says, “it’s okay, maybe it’s just good.” I was blown away by this concept, his nonchalant clarity at how simple it might be. So I’m lying down now and deciding that tomorrow I am going to banish my suspicion. I am going to give this whole happiness the chance it deserves.

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