On Arriving

It is a simple thing really; to change.

For so long I had fought against the things that my life was trying to show me, that my gut was trying to tell me, that my love was trying to give me. When I look back at everything I have written in the years since I first went to Idaho (which if you are asking me I would tell you is when my life started once again) I see the most clear vein of my fear of change. Clear the way the water is clear and still blue at the same time. I somehow feared it and yet flung myself head first into it time and time again. It is hard now to imagine anything ever having gone a different way.

I think it is too simple for me to say that I will never be that way, just because I do not feel that way this morning. It’s my base nature and it will come back for me in some time. And I think it is too simple to say that if I could I would tell a younger version of myself to lean into life a little more and worry a lot less about how things are and how they will be.

The energy of my life has come from the tension I created by pushing against the pull of change. Would it have been easier to lie down and let it take me? I am sure. But, I have never been one for want of easy. There is something kinetic about asking the big questions in times of change, something important for me in looking at it so closely it turns to fractals in my dreams. And there is something essentials in learning how to let it go.

I do not wish to spend my life like a kite twisting in the wind. I want now and then to be at peace. And I do not yet know where the balance is in finding myself interesting and finding myself calm. Sometimes growing grows tiresome and we have to rest. A friend asks plainly, do we ever arrive? I think to myself yes and then I think no. We never arrive and yet once in awhile there is a road so open and so clear that you are able to relax and drive with your knee and look at how beautiful the colors are this time of year. I am thinking this must be the closest we get. This must be it.

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