What You Have

I am convinced everyone else is better at being happy than I am.

I have everything I could possibly want and still, something rattles around in me like loose change. I daydream about near death and who I would ask for at my bedside. I have always been like this but it seems to grow worse with time, knowing I can never get back the things I have given up, and there is less time than every to make it right. Even if we could, we cannot go back.

It is hard to make sense of things, of the person I’ve been and the choices she made because I cannot remember how she felt. I only have flittering memories of early mornings and the cold walks and wondering what was the right thing to do. The right thing is not always the right thing to do. We have to make peace with what we have and more than that with who we have been.

Someone tells me that you cannot spend your life chasing a ghost, and the advice isn’t even for me per say, but it makes the most sense of anything I have heard lately. And I wonder, in this scenario who is the ghost- me or you?

I have never been good at letting go or getting right with what I have. But, does that mean I am also wrong? If time isn’t going to fix it, isn’t going to dull the edges and change the shape of rocks, than what will? A year, two, three, people used to go out to sea for longer than that and still had a home to go back too.

Sometimes I wake in the dead of night, and hear, come home, ringing in my ears.