I have a dream you want another girlfriend, but I don’t mind because I like her, only the conversation makes me aware I am getting older and I am less of some things and more of others. We make bargains with time and it shows up in the strangest of places.
Everything lately feels like a negotiation. I am made to feel sorry more often than I like, and I wonder how one is supposed to decide where to place their energy on the daily and what sort of things or projects we should let slide or throw out all together with the bathwater. What is that saying? How does one know what or where is the baby?
A bird comes to town and we talk frankly for days on everything from motherhood to good men, and moving, to why the sea is blue and whether or not those people swimming in the morning enjoy themselves. We eat oysters down by the bay and watch the boats tied to the dock bob in the water and go nowhere.
Life can be, in the same instance, incredibly simple and painfully complicated and I’ve become convinced lately the two are not all that different from one another. We negotiate our way through loss the way one might find their way out at sea, with nothing but familiar stars to guide you. We move forward in some balancing act between the things we know to be true amidst all of the darkness of the unknown. The knowing and the not knowing, work together.
The end of the year always has the same feeling, both the knowing and the unknowing. It’s sapped of it’s strength and also somehow pregnant with meaning. I feel the need to unpack and make plans at the same time. I am suspended but grateful, more sensitive and yet I sleep well with the knowing that nothing can really ever be undone.
We learn, if we are lucky, how to see by the stars.