For Me

All of those things you think are wrong are entirely under your control. He tells me all of the time, it’s just perspective. He wants so badly for me to find a new one. I want so badly to do the same.

Someone once told me, that to write you have to get to a place where the shame of not writing outweighs the desire not to write. I think I’ve crossed the threshold. I worry so much it is making me heavy. Worried I made too many mistakes. Worried I wasted too much time. Worried I am in the wrong place. Worried I will never finish anything. Worried that I worry too much.

Is this thought true? In order to become the kind of person, you want to be you have to make peace with the person you’ve been? There is some kind of coming together that needs to happen, but I am not entirely sure how that is. I don’t know how to meet myself in the middle. I have no doubt there is an answer in the act.

Perhaps I will go to the coast of Spain, but airplanes remind me of you. And I have already learned this lesson. You can put an entire world between you and what you’d like to forget, and still, it finds you when you wake. We cannot outrun our own thoughts nor the fractures in our heart.

If I am being very honest. I know the answer and I’ve known it for ten months. I have always thought you have to look at what is behind you in order to see where you are going. In this one thing, I worry I am very wrong. Because perhaps he is right, and it is all perspective. I should know this by now: you cannot drive forward by watching what is in the rearview mirror.

photo: Jenavieve