On Choosing A Mood

img_0033

I am learning so much about allowing everything to be what it is, with no fault, no judgment, no expectation. The times when I feel a sense of unease on this journey, when I am agitated or that familiar sense of anxiety starts trickling up my limbs, it is because there is a disconnect between the way things are, and the way I expected them to be. 

The boat ride is rough, the shower is cold, the street is crowded. These are facts, my resistance to them creates nothing but a lack of harmony to the world around me. I restate the facts, lacking judgment and they lose their power to push me into a negative space. Yes, the world is all of these things, but what else is it at the same time? And if I can catch myself, and realign the thought process, suddenly the street is crowded, the ride is rough, the shower is cold and they are just brilliant details of where I am at that moment. 

I have never before been so sure of how fleeting everything is. My place, and my feelings, pass as quick as the afternoon rains. It reminds me sometimes of how it was to be heartbroken, that reminder that I wold feel something else in ten minutes, to ride it out, to press on. 

Yesterday was hard. It was no different than today other than the fact that I let it be that way. There was nothing truly wrong just a general sense of unease, a longing to be with the person I love, and lack of gratitude for where I was. While I think it is alright to have a hard day, there is something increasingly detrimental in the way it can take over when you are this alone in the world. 

I am impressed by myself on the daily, and yet always expecting more. It keeps me moving, it keeps me watching, and it me writing. I am stretched thin in all of the best ways, and full of things I have never had before. Whatever it was I wanted when I decided to do this, this might have been it. You have to learn how to see yourself in the dark.