everything you want

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We get circular on one another, deja vu in the deli section of the grocery store. Your hands on my hands in a movie theaters. I’ve been here before. I’ve gotten good lately at taking what I can get, gotten better at needing less, and even more so at walking home alone. There is something finite, something infinite in the air lately. Like, for the first time I truly understand that anything can and will happen. I just realized I’ve been climbing all these years with no ropes, no tethers, no anchors in the rock around me. And I am good with it. We break bread and make peace and talk clear through the night and smoke cigarettes though no one smokes anymore. Sometimes I think I catch glimpses of us in store windows and wonder if any of that really happened at all. I know it did. I’ve got suitcases and scars for proof and I wrote it down five hundred times how I’d never go back. And it’s still true. I can have everything I want, just not always when I want it. We wish for things and work towards ends but they come out the grinder twisted and not at all what we expected.