I was saying


In the winter when it rains we say things like, aren’t we lucky and lets eat downtown tonight. There are no good reasons for this, only that these are things we say. I am taking classes on writing right now, writing all sorts of make believe and real believe sorts of things. I find the lines are blurring between real and imagined. I find myself at times, writing something so very real, it is more real than what was actually real. Have I lost you? For what if I tell you now, that we never say, aren’t we lucky and lets eat downtown tonight, but the things that are being said feel the same way. These statements gather more than what we are actually saying and they carry with them weather and feelings and a sense of our relationship in a way nothing we actually say ever could. Do these words feel like less to you if I tell you they are not real? Do you feel somehow left out in that rain by me? And more importantly what is, or who is, making this distinction anyway. Who am I in this scenario- the writer or the reader?

But, what was I saying… yes, in the winter when it rains we say things like, aren’t we lucky and lets eat downtown tonight. I wake up early and watch rain clouds move through the sunroof and you don’t have an apartment so you sleep in my bed, that is actually your bed, and in the mornings I tell you my dreams. Sometimes we spend entire days discussing what we will eat for dinner and I think about how when the clouds clear and the seasons change I will grill fish in the backyard and where my galoshes in an ironic way, rather than the real way I wear them now while it is raining in winter.
I wrote an essay the other day about watching internet videos of myself and talking about my mother swimming naked, but I decided not to read it to you because in the essay I am talking a great deal about my lover before you, and I think sometimes that is in bad taste, even if it is true. But all of this was before we ate dinner downtown and talked about it anyway. I think sometimes all anyone really needs is to drink a sazerac and have dinner upstairs at that bar we love, and then maybe everyone else would be as happy as you and I are in the winter when it rains and we eat downtown. 

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