on learning

I’ve been learning a lot of lessons on loss this summer. I’ve also been learning a lot of lessons on how incredibly blessed I am, how full the cups can be, and how much love I have around me. I have found over the past few weeks myself at a loss of words, which for me is strange. When I wrote about Alex, I meant what I said, that in the space of death I find everything I couldn’t say before. But after that passed, I found my usual repertoire tired and old, and I felt I had been circling over the same things for far too long. I’ve lost sight of what I wanted to write about, so I’ve started reading instead. I’ve read more books this summer than I have in years, while spending endless afternoons with my mother; something I think I will be thankful for, for the rest of my life, this summer with my mother. I find myself amazed daily by this human body, learning how young I am, how strong, how resilient. Time has seemed to both speed up and slow down, have I told you that already recently? I have always loved a wandering lifestyle, but I find myself now learning to crave a place to call my own, a french press and face wash. I want to sleep in the same bed with the same man and wake up to find things where I left them. I want peace. I am learning I am growing older, I am proud of this process. I learned I am too old for music festivals and crowds of drunken people, that my taste in what pleases me has changed greatly. This also pleases me. I have learned that I do not want to live in Los Angeles, that I do want children, that I have no regrets about my love or art, that people can be cruel, that people die, and that whatever happens I have to laugh and move on.  have been reminded that family above all else comes first, and how truly lucky I am to have mine. I have learned that no matter how much I plan and how hard I try, everything will turn out very differently than what I had written down. And I am learning that I have so much more to learn.