the flow

I spent every dollar I had on trying to buy new wrist bones, like they’d help me carry all of this better.

But what I got to was an unnerving understanding with myself that it wasn’t about figuring out how to take it all with me, but deciding carefully, how and where to lighten the load. This liberating and also terrifying recognition that not everything and not everyone gets to come along on the journey is where I now find peace. I see that sometimes, time, makes these decisions for you by forcing some pieces to become impossible while dragging others into view. I think that in ways we have all of the choice and also in the same moment no choice at all. The universe will press change upon you if you refuse to take it upon yourself. And what I realize, or am handling these days, is this notion that it isn’t about falling out of love, and it isn’t about falling in love, or about where I live, or what job I don’t have. It’s about the flow of this river of energy that moves through my life and takes with it everything I deem worthy. This trick I am learning feels more like a balancing act. And the impossible part, I think, of being human is deciding or deciphering when it is best to allow things to pass or to fight for them and learn to bear their weight.

I’ve said it before, you can’t keep people. I know that. I’m always on one end or the other of that lesson. I think we all are. Teaching someone or getting taught all over again. There are a lot of rivers here and I sit by them and I stand by them and I lay by them and every time I have this same feeling.