Inspired to write an update after reading one from a new friend. I realize some of you out there can do nothing but guess as to what has happened to me here. Sometimes, my blog isn’t entirely self-reflective. Sometimes, we enter into post apocalyptic short stories and, other times we revive old love letters I never mailed to those no longer in my life. In short, I think if one wanted to it would be rather hard to gather what is going on, to separate my truth from my fiction. I often times have difficulty pulling apart the pieces that are reality and all those other places where my mind spends most of it’s time.
So, I’m here. And I’m happy. It is quite the feeling to take such an outrageous leap of faith and feel so handsomely rewarded right away. This is not to say that times are not tough. This is by no means easy. But someone told me recently, it’s usually the hard stuff we need and the hard stuff that let’s us get better at life. Is life something to get better at? Not sure. There are days that I feel so crippling alone that I can do little else than wander the luscious green neighborhood outside my front door. I know I look crazy, muttering to myself, and making laps between here and 15th. Then, at the same time there are days that my loneliness seems like a gift. I hear my own voice with a clarity I never knew I possessed. Everything makes sense, if only for moments at a time. I am poor. I have less money coming in than I did when I was 18 and moved to California and washed boats in the harbor. Food has become a means of survival rather than entertainment and that makes me sad. I haven’t had to think so carefully about every single dollar, ever, in my whole life. But of course, in that there is much to be learned about necessity and excess. I am trying to take it all with a grain of salt and a large serving of humility. I find myself making new friends. People I truly genuinely like, which to be honest, I didn’t think would happen. I love my friends and yet I am finding space in my life and my soul for these new ones as well. I miss my loves in California and where ever they may be in the world. I am constantly overwhelmed by the amount of support I feel in being here. No more than a few days have ever passed without something arriving in the mail to remind me how much I am loved. Thank you.
More than anything I am struck with moments of awe at where life can go. I see myself in places that I never would have imagined to find. I have one of these moments every time I ride my bike on the bridge over the river. Water is something special. Classes are going well. I don’t know what to say about those other than I have a lot of shit to do and I should ALWAYS be writing more. I should be writing right now. I am. In a way. Teaching is this weird secret joy I have. I love my class. My students are little gems and they are so ripe for learning I feel almost envious of them at times. I hope more than anything that I am passing onto them a certain idea or zest for life and writing that they may not have been able to get anywhere else. I hope they don’t hate me and I hope that some day later in life they feel like this changed them, because I know that every day it changes me.
So, fear not my friends out there that meet me only here. I am well. I am alive. I am fed (somewhat). And more than anything I feel like I made the right decision beyond a shadow of a doubt.