where we at.
Hi mom. I know we aren’t here to catch up on my personal life but seeing as how I have somehow managed to relatively steer clear of the internet throughout the last few weeks is borderline miraculous. After receiving an admission as one of two fiction writers to Boise State this fall with full funding and a healthy stipend to take care of myself with I found myself somewhat frozen. Rather than being overwhelmed by joy and relief that I of all people was being given quite literally the opportunity of a life time, I was terrified. Nevermind the fact that this is a validation of my work as a writer, my talent as an individual and my kickassness at living below the poverty line and yet making the most of it. Nevermind any of that. I couldn’t see it. I was blinded and frozen by the fear of change. Crippling fear consumed me, made me near sick for days as I tried to endlessly convince myself of all the different ways I could deny the offer. I reached out to nearly everyone and anyone whose opinion I valued, those who knew me when and well, those who have known me briefly, those I work with and love with and most importantly those I write with. Everyone while trying to support me in whatever I chose to do told me in one way or another that I must go. I am not sure what changed. One day it just felt as if I worried all the worry out of myself. There was no space left for panic, no room or time left for tears. I knew I had set myself upon a path years and years ago and now I have come to one of those moments. A moment of choice. A moment that I can look back on years later and see the fork in the road. And while no road is better than the other, only different, this is the road I must take. I never knew myself to be a fearful person. I never knew I would cower away from such great change. I was both surprised and a bit disappointed in my reaction. All the same I came to the same conclusion and that is: yes. Yes I will go. I leave in less than five months. There will be no going away party, no events, please, only a simple, “see you later” as I will be back in twelve weeks. I will be splitting my life between Boise and Costa Mesa because sometimes you can have everything you want in life.